Teddy Bears

Does no one want stuffed animals anymore?
I put a lot of work in to these bears and no one wants them.
I know that Wix sucks as far as websites but I have these things posted everywhere!
If you know where to post the bears can you please copy and post this link on your page or facebook or something,  R and B bears 
or this link-  Teddy Bears 

If there is anything else that you think i should do please let me know in the comments or email me. randbbears@gmail.com .
Yes i have 3  different emails.  one from when I was a kid , one for my business , and a professional one.

I'm still confused as to why i even started making them. I guess I just thought that it would be fun to make then and have them for when my husband and i start having kids.
I bet i could make bears out of kids clothes. As long as they aren't super stretchy and there is about 1/2 yard of fabric.. but i think i could pair fabrics together like the bottom of the foot be a different color of the parents choice. and change the ear color, that would be cute. I'm gonna have to try that.

The reason for not putting eyes on the bears is because it looks so freaking creepy! Plus I don't want the eyes falling off and a baby choking on them or a dog dying because it couldn't pass through it's system correctly... cause then I would get sued... and I can't afford that.

            - Bekca

Thoughts For Days

Thoughts over the last few days 

Well... my R and B bears isn't working like I hoped it would.... it's been almost 6 months and no one outside of my family and friends had bought a bear... 

I've spent all this money and have been in so much pain for nothing.... 

I don't know what else to do.  I made a website , I have a Facebook page , I made an Instagram. My brother-in-law  is taking5 of  them to his booth at the market place Charleston Sc. I hope all of them sell there. The more I think about it the more I realize no one wants a bear with no face.

 Maybe I'm just not finding the right people... but then again I have no clue where to find them

So if anyone would be willing to help me , just email me at randbbears@gmail.com please!

any help would be much appreciated. Thank you in advance. 

Now

It is 2:30 am and once again I'm stressing out. I do want to give a huge shout out to my little brother for listening to me when I needed some one even though someone else laughed at me for all the stress and not sleeping... 

 Thank you Sky. You're the best little brother ever and I hope to have a son just like you.  

i don't know how much more i can take.

I can't sleep.

I'll sleep for 2 or 3 hours then it's like i can't go back to sleep. 

to night I slept from about 9:30 to 12:15.

maybe it's because I'm stressing so much over the fact that i can't find a roommate...

I can't keep a job because all but one of the places I have applied for didn't want me... 

We have about 3 or 4 months before we can't live here anymore...

I've made an add on Craigs list , I've asked all of the friends that I can think of...  

My husband and i are both making stuff and trying to sell it. 

I make bears and my husband makes soaps and beard oil. 

I don't know what else to do... 

Working in the mall almost got my husband and I killed... so i mean....

 I can't work there anymore...

 We only have one car so it's hard enough trying to get shopping done.

We have enough food for a while so that's good.

If the people upstairs could just stop taking 10 showers a day

maybe our water bill wouldn't be so high.

...I don't know what else to do...

okay , so maybe i'm really stressed.

a little to stressed...

plus it doesn't help that i'm going completely insane not having a baby...

it's takes every last part of me to keep myself 

from crying when i see a baby or even a toddler.

i'm sure that parents think i'm just being creepy but..... 

it's hard not to stare when the one thing you want is just just two actions away.

Just imagining what he or she would look like kills my insides but i can't help but think about it

no matter how much it hurts. 

Bekca

 

Too Soon.

My husband and i are looking to move again. we can no longer afford the apartments that we are in and we want to move closer to friends/family. Sometime in the next to months we should be moving.

I am finally over this bug that I've had since Monday. yay!

I know this sounds so bad but I know why I pretty much stopped being friends with my cousins and my sister.... I have literally nothing in common with them anymore.  It's like putting Demon Hunter and twenty one pilots  in the same room and expecting them to sing a duet on the spot. One is a heavy metal christian band  and the other is pop so you know that if they don't have some sort of practice it's going to sound like crap. No offense to Demon Hunter , I love y'all. I'm sure you all get what i mean though.


I want a baby so freaking badly. i know that my husband and i agreed on waiting for a year after we got married but goodness!!! I didn't think I want would a kid again so soon!!! 


I got two really cute bears made!

    

 

New Buisness in Lyman

                                                      Classic Brown Bear with a Red Bow

$45 online
$25 in store

I think He looks pretty dang good. 

If you would like to see more bears go to 

randbbears.com 

Check out all my bears and look at in the gallery  

to see ones that I've made over the past few months. 

Also if you Have a beard or love good smelling soap 

go to bandrbeardandbody.com

His stuff is awesome and smells amazing!

If you want to go to a location just head to 

Palmetto Prim in Lyman South Carolina.

It's a cute little store that doesn't just sell candles. 

They have photography , jewelry , art , home decor , bears,

body soap, beard oil , makeup , and more!

No One Listens.

People keep saying that communication is the keep to any relationship. Then how come every time I try to talk to someone that person thinks I'm lying. I don't understand why people have made me out to be some huge liar... It's really starting to get on my nerves. It's as if i can't even say yes with out some one questioning my reasoning or logic. Someone please help me understand, because at this point I feel so lost.

People keep saying that my mom and my sister are open to talk to me about what happened over the last year, but  over the last year every time I have tried to talk and they weren't listening. I could be asking questions and they just nod their heads to seem as if the were keeping up with what i was talking about.

The only person to ever hear what I've ever had to say is my husband. I could talk about anything and he would remember what i said word for word 6 months later. It's amazing to see some one finally listen to how i'm feeling and dealing after everything I've been through the last 3 years. I told him almost 2 years ago that i have a secret love for Jazz music. Some times he plays it in the car just because he knows I like it. It's not very often that he does it but he has done it.
There is one song in particular that can calm me down in a second. It's Goodbye Pork Pie Hat by Charles Mingus.  there's just this "mmHmm" about it that calms me down faster than anything.
The fact that no one else knows (besides those who are reading this) how much I love this song makes me laugh at those who tell me that they listen to me.
I guess that why I don't have many friends.The problem with people listening to me is pretty much the whole reason i got a blog in the first place

 Bekca

Truth and Lies.

I've realized that someone somewhere has made me out to be a liar. What that person doesn't understand is that I'm not the same gullible little child anymore. you want to know my story? The truth from the beginning ? Here you go.

The first thing I remember as a child is getting yelled at, spanked , and put in time out because I couldn't read or wright the right way. I did everything backwards. Anything come to mind yet?
I have a mild case of dyslexia. No one ever thought to have me tested. To this day I still read better backwards than I can the "normal" way.
The next thing I remember is my mom coming home crying because my grandpa had passed away. this was back in 2005. I remember putting on my pink sandals; next is walking in to my grandpas room and see him laying there lifeless. The doctor said that there was still some pieces of a chocolate kiss left in his mouth. The doctor figured that he must have gotten up, went to the kitchen to get a piece of chocolate , then gone back to bed. I remember one of his legs hanging off the bed from where he was trying to lie back down.

Years later I remember feeling so self conscious about my weight that i wanted to talk to my mom about going on a died and working out... in the doorway of the kitchen she told me I was fat and that I would have to learn to deal with it.

2013 I went to camp and made some friends. i had an awesome time!! I remember having a huge crush on this guy named Tim. his red thick hair and his juggling had me in awe. once i got home i went on Facebook and found most of the friends i had made at camp. i started talking to this guy named Stephen. He and i became really good friends. then we decided to "date". I still laugh because it was long distance and we knew that we weren't going to be together in real life. but it was nice to think about. this is the year i started cutting myself. my mom and i never really got along... I felt like i had no control over anything at all.
I somehow convinced myself that if I stopped eating as much it would save money and my mom wouldn't have to work so much. So I stopped eating...it took me over two and a half years for my to eat like a normal person again.
I spent most of my time in the shed in the backyard. painting, drawing , doing cool craft things. One day my mom came out there and asked me to come inside. She said that she missed me... that felt like a lie once i stepped foot in the house.everyone was on their phone , reading a book , or knitting. I was bored... I loved doing things with my hands. That shed had all my art stuff in it so it was like my own little world.

In 2014 i was having a hard time doing anything. i couldn't find a job , I didn't have friends, i was getting more and more depressed as the year went on. On June 9th i believe, i climbed out of my window and had sex with a guy that I hadn't seen in 2 years this went on till i moved in with him 2 years.
One night i had to clean a business office and normally i would take the phone that i used as an MP3player so that i could clean and listen to music... i didn't listen to any music.. my mom had grounded me from it , I don't remember why. when i got into the office i was so angry and so heart broken cause i knew that i would never be able to earn my mom trust that the only thing i could think to do was to end my life, i had a knife and cutting my wrists and bleeding out all over floor seemed like it would feel better than anything in the world. Instead i called my sister and told her what happened and what i was wanting to do, she came over and helped me clean the rest of the office. after that  I moved out of my moms and in to my sisters apartment.
a few days after moving out my mom told me that she wanted us to get counseling to see if that would help get our relationship back on the right track. September rolls around and we finally so to see a biblical counselor  . I thought it would be nice until i realized that i was the only one getting the counseling... the lady told me that everything was my fault because i wasn't right with God. As if i didn't know that already... i knew everything was my fault. i had stopped seeing her before Christmas that year because she was going out of town and told me to call her after she got back. HA. that didn't happen.

2015 My sister told me that i needed to be out before May. I was perfectly fine with that. April 1st came and i was out of the apartment and in to a house with 2 other guys. one of which i had lost my virginity to , the other , his best friend.I  worked at Zaxbys and smoked about 2 pack of cigarettes a day.  For some reason this is when people started thinking that i did drugs. I was offered weed many times , but I never did it. In May i started dating this sweet guy...or at least i  thought he was sweet. he bought me flowers , took me on nice dates. the longer we dated the more he pushed himself on me... one night he took me back to my place and followed me to my room. i had to work that next morning so i was crawling in the bed.... moments later he raped me.i cried for days because i didn't know what to do... this went on till the end of June.
I moved in to my dads. someone told him i was on drugs and that i was a slut. slut part i can deal with but drugs.... really... i asked him if he wanted me to take a drug test but he said " No, i trust my source".  about a week later i moved into a friends house. I started a new job at Arby's  and thought i was going great...until HE called me.... trying to get me back. I busted into tears screaming at my phone. My roommates mouth dropped. Once that phone call ended my roommate hugged me and told me that it was going to be okay.  My roommate bought a house in gray court and offered me a room so I moved once more.On November 30th i started working at ZF transmissions,  I met a nice guy at a Spinx when i was working at Arby's  , he and I started dating, It didn't last but a few months. In that short time span I had gotten pregnant. On December 11th I lost the baby. I was 5 weeks pregnant and had no idea what was wrong with me. my roommate said I was acting different. I was more closed off than normal... I hadn't told him about what I had lost.

2016 I moved out of  the house in gray court and moved to another house in Laurens on January 22 . The guy i was rooming with was a friend from work. I thought he was a bit strange and kinda funny looking but he was kind and never disrespected me. In February my manager came over and offered to smoke weed with me. My dumb ass did it. I was so paranoid the entire time we were smoking she kept asking me what was wrong. I haven't smoked anything but cigarettes since. I started dating my roommate on April 7th.
 I found out that my sister was 4 or 5 months pregnant in April and I was so happy. Little did I know....in May I found out I was  6 weeks pregnant. I was so scared to loose this baby. a few months when by and I worked up the courage to tell my family. I got a text from my brother in law telling me that i wasn't invited and clearly telling me that I wasn't wanted my sisters baby shower. i was beside myself on what to think about what was said.
My baby was born in December. and i gave him to a couple that couldn't seem to have kids. My mom was upset and tried to manipulate me to not sign the papers , my sisters were angry with me. Once i was able to go home  from the hospital I cried. I don't think I stopped crying for 3 weeks.

2017 sometime in January I was able to go back to work. I was on 100mg of antidepressant (Dr.'s orders) and I was ready to go. For weeks everyone asked me about the baby. I finally was able to keep myself together enough to tell people what I did. I quit that job in August.
back in July i has my little sister over and we played cards against humanity. One card took the lord name in vain. I had no clue what card were given to her that round but i asked her to read them since that's how the game is played... well...  that card upset her enough to run to my sister in tears. a day or two later i get a call from my older sister cussing me out for giving her that card, which i didn't do. once again I was in tears. i ran to my boyfriend and he called my sister back and explained who gave my sister that card. about a month later my sister asks if Her husband , my boyfriend, herself , and i could sit down and talk as if nothing ever happened. whelp. i can tell you right now. nothing happened.
Some time in June my older sister to my fiance that I stole her thunder buy getting pregnant. Sorry but shit happens. It's not like I meant to get pregnant. I was on birth control so you can't say that I was trying.
On July 1st my boyfriend and I got married.  My whole family tried telling me what I should do ,how I should have it , what dress to get, who to invite.... But no one offered us any help besides our close friends and his parents.  My mom decided not to come because I invited the child I gave birth to and his family to the wedding.... She tried once more to manipulate me to un-invite  him and his family...because.... I honestly don't know. You'd have to ask her that your self. Besides , that child comes before anyone else in my life. Any mom should know that. 
I have talked to her 3 or 4 times this whole year. I  was invited to go to a soup kitchen the day after my moms birthday. I had to work that night. ( i started at FYE in the mall two weeks before this.)  after working and going to the child's birthday party that weekend;  i saw pictures on Instagram of my mom , siblings , and brother in law all having such a nice time. no soup kitchen... just thanksgiving and a birthday...I was kinda pissed. I mean really.... assholes...
On December 3rd and 4th my husband and i cried our eyes out. we were up till almost 2am... i just wanted to hold my baby for 5 more minuets... I wish I could be good enough for the baby but I'm not.
about a week ago I realized that I needed  to be done with all the crap my family had put me through. so I sent them a text stating that I was blocking their numbers and I was done. That's been the end of that and I'm stress free now! I quit FYE a few days ago.
I'm making bears and taking care of my husband and dog. for now I'm good to go

 this is how everything happened. If you know the other sides of the story you tell me about the truth and lies.

Becka

Jack

About 3 months ago my husband and I got a Basset Hound Mix dog.

He was all skin and bones when we first saw.

His name is Jack but sometimes i call him Mr.Man just cause he smiles when I say it.

The shelter told us that he wouldn't get any bigger,

but i an proudly say he has grown about 2 sizes bigger!!!
He has a full belly and has completely torn apart a panda build-a-bear my cousins got me years ago.

He loves to pull stuffing out of anything and everything he can rip open.

He can chew up a bone in 30 minuets or less.

 have tried my absolute best to keep food in his bowl

 so that he knows that he will never go hungry again.

He doesn't bark much at all but when he does you better watch out.

His bark is so deep you would never think that it's a short dog till you saw him. 

He Sleeps a lot but when he has his little energy spurts all he does is run!!

Run Run Run All in circles! Its makes me giggle! 

When you play tug-of-war with him he growls so loudly!

You cant help but to laugh! 

Bekca <3 

R and B Bears

https://randbbears.wixsite.com/website

Finally got the Website up and running !!! woop woop !!!

Help this Veteran get home!

Help this Veteran get home!

Please help get this Man home.
I know most people don't donate much. but even 5 bucks would help.  
I've never been one to donate anything , but when it comes to war vets i'll do anything I can.
 My great grandpa was in WW2. my cousins have\are serving. I know i would want them home if something ever happened to them.


Lets get Sgt. Sherman home!!!

     

R and B Bears

I started making bears about a month ago. Yesterday i made a bear in less than 24 ours. I've changed the pattern a little and changed how to sew some of the ligaments on so i can call it my own. I am working on a order of 8 bears , but I'm almost done. 

I call it R and B Bears. I made and Instagram page and a Facebook page 

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/r_and_b_bears/

I don't have the Facebook link. Sorry.

The prices vary depending on what you want. 

Regular Bear : $20

Bear With Patches: $25

Special Color with patches:$30

 Eyes are not extra. 

If and when you put an order in please give as many details as possible.

yes or no on eyes?  

the color(s) of the bear(s)?  

patch(s), and what they are?

if you want two toned colored bear just ask. example- different color ears , paws , ect.

 

 

  

Whole30 and Money.

Okay... so i was looking over the Whole30 program and  they said that you shouldn't have any problems with it at all.... ever.... no slip ups..I can see that with how little you are allowed to eat. basically lettuce , green beans , snap peas , and coconut stuff....BUT for some people like me and my husband we don't have the money to keep up with all of that. some nights we have just enough money to get a burger off the dollar menu at McDonald's. I'm not even joking. We have days where We both skip meals because we just don't have the money. Shoot , i don't eat breakfast or lunch most days. Coupons these days aren't what they used to be thanks to the "Crazy coupon ladies" out there.....

So, No. Whole30 is not something i can do. i would love to but it's not going to happen when i don't even have the money to feed myself as it is. Yes i weigh about 255 but that's also from having a baby.  On the days that we actually find good deals it's normally for the stuff you don't want to put inside you. the only thing we keep plenty of is chicken and coffee. Even then, I just defrosted the last bag of chicken we have.
My husband and i both have jobs. Sometimes it's just not enough. We make it work but its NOT easy. #AdultLife haha, sorry i dont hashtag much but i thought it fit well this time.


We have found ways to work around things. We have a little bit of coupons. We try, but that is all we can do. I don't understand why they say you can when you have to have X amount of money to even start it let alone get everything you NEED for it.My grocery list consists of eggs , some fruit , and broccoli. That's it because that is all we can afford. So don't tell me Whole30 Is easy. That's Bull for someone in my position.

Puppies and Such

A week ago today (Monday 16, 2017) i got a forever puppy.
His name is jack . He is a basset hound mix. The first time i saw him i knew i wanted him. He was so skinny from being out on the streets and not having any food. today he is a chunky little man and still has his puppy tendencies. For instance , at about 2:10 am he decided that he didn't want to be in his cage so he barked. I wasn't feeling to well so my patients was running thin. I got up to get him out of his crate and all he did was run around for about 10 minuets. it was the cutest/most annoying thing i had ever experienced. All i wanted to do was sleep, but jack had different plans.

Right now he is asleep on the floor next to me, just snoring  away. It is such a good feeling watching him come from his thin tiny sad-self to this chunky happy little man

I wonder if this means I'm going to be some-what of a good mother...
I've been worrying about that since the first time i was pregnant. even though I didn't know i want pregnant... i still wondered. I still worry that i wont be good enough for my children.. is that bad? I mean what if they turn out terrible or worse...what if they turn out to be like me?
I guess we will just have to wait and see.

I found the Bible app for my lap-top!! It has been so amazing!
i can listen to the books all i want! it's made me such a happier person, it's also opened my eyes to things that i was never taught as a child. Like how our Lord and Savior didn't just break bread and fish once. HE did it twice! When the disciples started questioning if he could really heal the sick and dying God looked at them and asked them if they remembered the 5,000 men ( NOT including children and women)  he fed with Five loaves of bread and 2 fish? Or the 4,000 and the 7 loaves of bread and the few small fishes? I was so baffled when i read Matthew Chapter 15 and 16! It is so amazing the things you find out when you read the bible for yourself and not just take what a person says as if it is the truth. I know it might seem like a long shot to some of you out there. but God is Real. there are no IF , ANDs , or BUTs.I have noticed some pretty amazing things happen in my life that i never had explanation for but when i think about it it was God hands in my life.
 I was in a car wreck back in February. If the car hadn't stopped on the sidewalk like it did there would probably be pieces of my remains in the grass and on a tree. Some of you would say that the car had good breaks, but one of the breaks was completely gone and there was no telling if the car would have been able to stop BUT i firmly Believe it was God keeping my husband and I safe.

God has a plan for everyone. I challenge you to real one book in the bible.One chapter a day. You pick the book. If you don't notice a change in yourself then you can say as you please to me and i wont talk back. But you have to read all of that book that you picked out. ALL OF IT. If you choose to go on and read more of it then i will be extremely happy that i have a new brother/sister in Christ.


Becka <3

Oh yah know

So lately I've bee. Having a hard time figuring out who i am in my marriage.
Im the wife but I've also had to make a lot of the choices. My husband donst think that simply because whenever a choices has to be made he asks if this or that is okay. So then i feel as if I'm the one messing everything up. Oh we don't have money for this? Well its my fault because i made the choices on this and this. Its getting to be really hard. I would love to say that i've been praying a lot on this subject but this is the one subject i avoid completely. It's embracing to beg for help on something like this. Choices have to be made, i get that. But when i start to feel like I'm the only on making them? Not okay. This is supposed to be a group effort. My husband and i have talked about it more than once but thing seems to change. I dont know where to go from here besides to ask and or beg god for help on this matter. I know that its what im supposed to do but then we have already had this conversation something should have changed right then and there.

For better or worse. For rich or for poorer.

      Love,
             Bekca<3

A thought for a day

Hey guys
I just have a lot on my mind right now and I don't know how to express what I'm feeling completely without blowing up this blog. I was listening to this guy on Facebook or Instagram saying that Millennials are stuck-up little pricks and that most of us abused everything possible trying to use all resources that don't include us actually finding a job or working. And I think it's just some of us not all of us I've had a good job for the past three years and I've tried so hard to make do for myself without help although I needed help but never asked for it I've almost ended up on the streets a few times but I never begged so I have to be grateful for that. I am grateful but at the same time I'm upset because knowing that there were people watching me fail and just standing there and not seeming like they cared at all and it hurts because those people were friends and family and that's probably what hurts me most about it all and the funny thing is that half of them don't even know that I was that low but at the same time I can't blame them when it was my fault for not asking for help even though what I did I was rejected.

Someone I know on Instagram was saying that they were going to get off Instagram because it was taking too much of their time and they needed to focus on their family and just kept saying you know if you feel in your heart you really need to think about it and you know I've been sitting here for the past like 20 minutes thinking about it and one of the things that really got to me that this person said was if you're getting on social media too compare yourself to other people then you just need to get off because comparing yourself to people is not going to make you happier bring you any sort of Joy whatsoever and I think that just kind of made me realize that I'm one of those people who go on there to compare myself to all of these skinny little girls when I'm sitting here 250 lb and I guess that just kind of made me realize that Instagram is one of those sites that you just basically go on there to compare yourself to other people and what they're doing in their lives and how they're living and it I don't know it just kind of made me realize that I think it's time for social media to be cut off and for people to realize that social media your phone that's not all that's out there in the world if you actually put your head up and look there are so many things I just I couldn't imagine if I was one of those people who had my head shoved in my phone you know about 2 years ago and I admit the chance to meet the most wonderful man I'm with right now and the fact that it is so likely for everybody to just not realize what they actually have and what they're being given and to just take all of it for granted it hurts because I mean when you think about it there are you know yes there are the kids in Africa and yes there's poverty everywhere there slavery there's so many things wrong with this world but I mean if we seriously I'll take just I don't know just 10 minutes without you know your phone which a lot of people have problems with that but I mean just all at once you know everyone just turn their phone off I think that a lot of things would change just in 10 minutes I mean no one would look at their social media no one would be updating statuses taking pictures or any of that and it would I don't know I think it would make a difference.
But one of the things for me is that Facebook is one of those things where I get to keep up with my family and you know how they're doing even though they don't talk to me much. So I think that instead of posting you know things about how great your life is how about posting how great someone else's life is or how amazing the world looks today even though it is a horror show out there I don't know I think that I've everybody just want a day without their phone I think the whole world would just crash and burn cuz everyone's so stuck on their phones and internet and social media. I think that everyone needs to just take a day just to re-evaluate themselves and their lives and what they're really doing and what needs to be done because sometimes you just need to take a day for yourself away from everyone. In all honesty the only reason why I have a smartphone right now is because I use Music a lot to come for me and to lift me up and I don't know just make me feel better even though I know that the second I look on Instagram that confidence is just going to go way back down. I love you guys but I don't think social media is good for anybody at all that's why they made mailboxes and paper so that way we could write down things and send them through US Post Service or any mail service companies. This way people could keep in contact with each other but apparently we're just evolving into something far worse.

Becca <3

All at Once

You guys.
I'm moving.
But not to the place I had mentioned before.
I'm moving to the beach.
In about a week and three days!
Was boyfriend , now husband is excited to move. You know I hate the beach but this one is actually really pretty. It's on the gulf side of Florida. I'm not as excited as my husband is but still happy. We found apartments and a church to go to. We had to get rid of our dogs so Nala and rose have new homes and both are still very happy.

I've have been asked if I'm moving to run away. Answer- yes and no. I'm not running from my family but I am running from my ex that stalks me. Plus I just don't like this town anymore. There is nothing new and exciting to see anymore. Plus seeing meth labs on my way to and from work is not fun.

....

My Family thinks I'm pushing them away....
How can I push them away when they don't include me in anything?

How can I be the one that is pushing away when I was told to stay away and that they thought that I didn't understand?

How can all this be my fault when a phone , snail-mail, and talking work both ways?

I can't always be the first the contact someone. If they really wanted me in their life they would make the effort to contact me at some point.

I have learned the hard way that "blood is not thicker than water".

My Boyfriend and I decided to start doing devotionals about a week ago. We got the YouVersion App. We are reading Discover Faith , a 14 day devotional . I cannot tell you how much of a difference there is in my attitude and mind-set. I'm a much happier person now , and this is only in one week. I did one by myself called Self-harm And Gods Love , a 5  day devotional. It was the best thing that i could have ever done for myself. i'm so happy and so excited to see what God has planned for me  and my boyfriend.

I want you to challenge yourself to do the same as i have. fine something in yourself that you want to make better then find a devotion for it and do it. everyday. Just try it and see how you feel at the end of it. if  you have questions or something just find some one you trust and talk to them about it. you have no idea how much this will change you. I hope some of you find peace, forgiveness , love , and truth in all of this.

                                           If it works shoot me an email. - beccal2005@gmail.com -

                                             I love you all so much!!!!!
                                                                            Bekca <3

Probably

So right now i'm really hoping that we move. I like the area around where we would live and there is a lake about 10 or 15 minuets away from where we will be living. I'm so freaking excited to be going there in a few months to check out the area! I'm also very happy in the fact that we get to keep our dogs.

German Shepherd - Nala
Pitbull - Rose

anyway
.........

So i'm thinking that we will probably move. As long as we can get the car paid off and can get a moving truck we will be good to go! I'm so freaking excited !!!!!!

Maybe , Maybe Not

My boyfriend and I are thinking about moving to a different state. It's about fourteen hours away from where we live now.

Pros-
We have friends there
Cost of living is cheaper
We will both have day time jobs
We will have jobs that we like.
 New Place which means fresh start.

Cons -
both our families live near where we live now.

....

The only thing we have keeping us here is our families...
To be honest i don't think that is enough for us to stay here.

I'm not sure what we are going to do.
I'm very Excited to see where life takes me.

I wish you all the best,
                           Bekca <3

Life Changing

Hey guys ,

Almost a year ago I met the love of my life  but I didn't know it yet.

I moved in with him because I was in a very bad place and he has a very big and loving heart. We talked for hours at a time and some times our conversations wpuld last for days. I never trusted some one so fast... We never officially dated till August 7th, 2016.

... i dont want to post this on social media so I guess I'll just post it here....

Early May I found out i was pregnant.
It was a boy. I called him little fucker because he would always move in the worst spots and it would hurt so badly.
When I was 38 weeks pregnant i suddenly had very high blood pressure. It scared my doctor enough to allow them to decide that they would make me have an induction that Friday.

Friday comes and im scared. I dont know what is going to happen all i knew was that I was going to be in a lot of pain.
I get there , they take me to my room , and ask me to change into one of those gown thingies. They walk out and let me change then they come back in and hook me up to some fluids. They told me the doctor would be in soon and not to eat or drink anything. SO I wait.... and wait.... and wait some more. The Doctor was called to an emergency so it took a lot longer.... about 4 hours of me just sitting and waiting he finally comes in. He checks everything and gives me a tiny pill to help push me in to labor.
For hours later he comes back in and says that he is going to try something else. So they put this balloon inside me.... that didn't work.... i fell asleep for about 30 minuets, i woke up to doctors and nurses all around me all talking at once. I was in shock and just froze as they hooked me up to new fluids and checked me again.
The babys heart rate had dropped extremely low and it scared them.

I ended up having a C-section at 12:00 pm Saturday afternoon....

It was strange... from the top of my stomach to the very tips of my toes , completely numb. They take the baby and clean him up and all that jazz.
They take me to the recovery room and told me I'd be in there for about an hour. Well it ended up being almost 4 hours.

Mind you i stayed numb till about 7 or 8 pm that night.

I was so shaky for such a long time. It was caused by the medicine and the shock i was in. I didnt see my little fucker till late that night simply because I knew I wasn't going to keep him...

I had found a couple that couldn't have kids at all and i wanted to help them. So I chose them to adopt my son.

His little face , blue eyes, and such a cute smile... it  killed me to sign the papers.
Everyone told me that they would help me take care of him ...but when I saw my little fucker with the couple i knew i was making the right choice. I know people will hate me for it but... oh well

Needless to say... i love him with my entire heart and that will never change.

Upside-down

I know i havent posted in a while... thing got reslly crazy all the sudden...

As all of you know i hate myself  but as of late its gotten worse... i dont have time to think about myself anymore seeing as i have a boy growing inside me... yeah.... im pregnant.

As of right now im not keeping him.
I have found a family that im trying to get in touch with. They seem like a good family i just want to meet them first.

Not many people know unless they see me in public. He is growing so fast.
I feel so ashamed of it but at the same time i dont.
Im scared to tell people because im tired of being shunned all the time....
Even some of my family have stopped talking to me...
This has completely turned my life upside-down and people wonder why i seem different... feeling him kik makes me happy but sad at the same time because i know i cant keep him....
Like i always tell myself , it will be okay

I hope everyone has a good night..
   Bekca <3

Snapchat , facebook , twitter , ect

Okay , im off.

Im off snapchat

Im off facebook

Im off twitter.

Im just off.

Im tired of all the crap that is on social media. All of it. People can't seem to sitay off of it for more than an hour. It's insane!
It's as if everyone feeds off drama, watching people break , and fall apart! It makes me sick. There is something wrong with all of you who do that crap. Come on people , isn't it time to look at the world instead or your phone.

.... could you even go 24 hours with out looking at your phone? I could live with out it if needed. The only reason i have it is for family and close friends. 

So im done with you. All of you shit talkers... liars.... and bull shitters....

As for blogging , i do not consider it social media,   it is more of a thought prosses from one person at a time. Not just one thought , but a whole story.

- Bekca

Life...

I have a Job Interview in about an hour and a half..

I'm scared and excited.

If I get it then my whole schedule will change cause its a Night Shift Job.
I will have every weekend off. i will be making more then $10 an hour.
I just..... I'm scared....

I won't be able to see my boyfriend very much... I love my boyfriend. I've never been this happy with anyone else. No one has ever treated me as a queen like he does.

I feel like I've lost all my friends that I used to have and I'm back to being alone ....
I rarely talk to Monica or raven anymore... which makes me really sad.
Monica is like a sister to me. She and I have a bucket list of things we want to do together.

I loose hair when I'm stressed and I swear I'll be baled by the end of the year. I've lost so much that when I pull the hair out of the drain it looks like a black mouse ... that's bad! That's really bad !! I have to pull it out at least once a week!

I'm tired most of the time. Not physically , just mentally and emotionally. it's sad...
I have to fake it every day just to allow people to think that I'm alright.. it hurts.
day in and day out. then when i finally cant take it anymore , I'm so quiet and mean. I just stop caring about everyone and everything. I get burned and I can't even feel it. I'm afraid that it's going to drive me insane...
Being able to feel is the best part about being human. you can feel the warmth of the sun on your skin, the cold of the moon on your face, the sweetness of the flowers during spring.... It's what makes us human ... I feel like i'm turning in to a cyberman .... "delete"... "delete" (haha). It's crazy .... just the simplest things can make the biggest impact on a persons life...

Survival mode.

I have officially gone into survival mode. 

Is this a bad thing ? 

Is it a good thing ? 

I don't know. 

But I will do anything I have to do to survive. 

I refuse to become what people call a whore just so I can have a place to live or food to eat.

I'm willing to deal with the person who raped me just so I have a place to live. 

Is that bad? Yes. But it's a safe place to live. 

Am I willing to not eat so that I can have a Ride to work. Yes. 

Is that bad ? Yes.  Will I survive? Yes. 

I don't care what I have to do. I will survive. 

No matter what. I will survive. 

Never Play with me.

I found out that this guy i had fallen for was getting married and had four kids... 

I really liked him. 

For Once In My Life I Didn't Have To Tone Down My Craziness So People Wouldn't Run The Other Way.

He respected me. IF i ever asked something of him he would do it in the blink of an eye. 

I thought "I'm finally done looking".

Then i get a text from a random number saying that he has a fiance... and that he has four kids. 

He keeps telling me that he only has 2 but i don't believe him ...

He tells me that he doesn't have a girl friend but he lives with her and they sleep in the same bed. 

.... I went Numb... I am numb. I want to drink and party. BUT as all of you know , i don't have enough friends to do that.... 

I asked his girl friend if i could ask him why he keeps lying to me. She said "Go right ahead but he going to keep lying till he gets what he wants". 

So I did.

He kept up with his lies and i told him that until he could speak truth , I didn't want to talk to him. he never replied after that...

that whole fiasco went on for about 45 minuets 

He tried so hard to convince me that he never lied.

I refused to believe him and it made him so angry that he almost started crying.

Mind You I'm Texting His Fiance The Whole Time.

Unless you expect to be hurt , Don't play with me. Not like that.

Never play with some one emotions like what he did to me. 

          Bekca <3

My life ...

This is how my life is.... Pretty much all day everyday 

I'm so tired of all of this.... 

  Bekca ...

How..?

How did I get here? 

How did I get to this point in my life ? 

I never would have guessed when I was little  that I would Move out when I was 17 and only move in with one of my parents for a week and a half ....

This past year has been so strange...

 I have felt completely alone more times than I can count. 

I still don't have many friends. 

No one to just go hang out with ... 

No one that really wants to hang out with me ....

I'm stuck again.. 

Crap. 

I hate being sick like this... 

... Yeah ....

      Bekca <3

I'm here. I understand.

Having depression is crazy ....

One minute I'll be fine and happy . The next I'll be trying so hard now to cry or pull my hair out. 

My friends don't understand unless they have it too.

Something so small as a color or just a innocent word can trigger it. 

It's painful. 

Sometimes you feel like you have control of it... Then you hear that one word or see that one very specific color and you loose it all. All the memories flood back , all the feeling that you pushed away all come back at once. 

That one word , that one color , that one song , or even that one toy you had as a child ...and it all comes back. 

I still don't know how to control mine. 

My triggers are songs , words , older men with gray hair , and a few of my childhood toys. 

- If your old enough - do you remember those baby dolls that came in a fruit pouch? They had peach , strawberry, ect. ... I have the strawberry one. Her hair is a strawberry blonde and it still smells like it did when I first got it. I've had it since I was three or four. Every time I smell it's head or just even look at it , I start having flashbacks and everything comes back. It's so painful.... But I keep that doll because of how much of my life it holds... And it was one of the last things that my grandpa gave me before he passed.

I'm so sorry if you understand how much it hurts. 

I'm sorry if you understand how hard it is to want to have control over the depression. 

I'm sorry... 

I understand and I'm sorry. 

I know that if I could take all the pain and make it easier for you to handle then I would... But I can't... 

We all have to learn how to handle it. 

It takes such a long time to have a good grip on it. Although ... it is so hard to keep that tight grip... If you have friend who understands than it is easier. It gets easier. Life might get harder but you'll grow so much if you have the right friends to help you and give you a hand when you need it. 

I'm sorry if you don't have that friend. 

I would love to be that friend for you. 

Just email me or something if you can...

I'm here for you and I understand. 

    Bekca <3 

Almost ...

This past week has been so strange...

I almost died from a really back kidney infection. My entire body was throbbing.

The doctors worked fast once I got in there. I had three X-rays taken and they did some sort of blood scan. All with in 4 hours. 

This is a doctors office not the hospital... 

We all know that if I went to a hospital it would have taken days for the X-rays and blood scan ... 

Thank goodness the insurance Covered most of it. 

 They gave me strong medicine and some pain medicine that I ended up throwing up hours later. 

...

But to keep me from flipping out they didn't tell me that I wasn't supposed to live through this....

Know thing that after I was better scared me ...

My roommate said "oh they just exaggerated it all." 

I don't think that was the case. 

My brother-in-law , who is a RN , sat in there and I knew he didn't look right.... Like he was on edge about something... 

I just thought that it was just because he was tired and stressed from work or something ... My mom later told me how bad it actually was and she almost started crying... 

The doctors were very careful not to say anything that would scare me or my mom. 

Who knew , a kidney infection of all things...

We need to realize that if we don't take care of ourselves the smallest infection could be the death of us ... 

I now drink at least two cups of water to anything else I drink unless it's chocolate milk... Haha , anyway. 

Please do your best to take care of yourself. If not for me then do it for your own well being. I hate seeing people get hurt. 

I love you all! 

   Bekca <3 

A random Email i got .... i don't know how i got it ...

Going through some Spam just to make sure that i havent gotten an email back about a job or the things i've been trying sell, I came across an email that was sent to me from me past self ...

Here it is -

Dear Rebecca, 

Sweetie ...

You have to learn to make your self happy before others can make you happy. No one will be able to help you unless you learn to help yourself.

No one will be able to love you unless you love yourself. It's not going to be easy, but I believe in you. Yes you have been through a lot. Your heart has been crushed, your legs have have the scars of a survivor.

You know that you're worth so much. But you want some one else to see it so that you know that you're not lying to yourself. 

You're not crazy. You just want everyone to like you for who you are. 

No one can love you unless you love yourself first. 

Fight for what you want. 

Fight for what you believe. 

God is good. God is amazing. You have to love and trust him. 

You know that. 

If you wanted to die you would have done it that night you had to clean the office by yourself. The night you call your sister and asked her for help. 

Deep down you love yourself. You just have to remember. It hurts, I know. But you're so amazing and so strong. I believe in you. 

It's time to stop smoking. It's time to own up to what you have and what you want. You have time. You have patients, self worth, self love, own it. 

Live how you want. Own up to your mistakes and accept that your not perfect. 

No one else will until you do. 

    I love you ,

             your past self. 

- 

I have no idea how I got this ....

But hey. It helps 

... 

Love you 

      Bekca 

Here are some resent drawing of mine

Hope you all like ^_^ 

  Bekca <3 

80 Days And Counting.

Today Marks The 80th Day Since I Last Cut...

It's been crazy. Some days are better then others but it's getting harder and harder with every day that passes.
Cutting wasn't just away of calming myself down. It wasn't just a release or a just a stress relief.
It was how i dealt with everything. Moving every few months or weeks , adapting to new environment , and the way people started treating me.  

It's strange not cutting anymore. I want to cut so badly. I know where my knife is. I just ....
Every time I look at my thighs or my arm I just hate myself for more. My roommate knows that i used to. He's the first person to tell me not to be ashamed of them.

He said ~ "They are your battle scars. they show how far you've come from everything you've been through. They show how strong you are" ~

I can't thank him enough for saying that. it helped me so much. I look at them differently now. I'm still some what ashamed of them but it's not near as bad as it used to be. I look at them and they now remind me that no matter what happens , I"m going to be okay , things do actually get better.

It's crazy to think that I started almost two years ago...

I was in such a bad place and I felt so alone ...
If i hadn't moved out when i did... i don't know what would have happened.
The Night I moved out was the night that I was ready to die. I'm not even gonna lie about it. I wanted to kill myself. I was so tired of being treated like a child and sick of being caged in like a little bird with no means to fly. I called My Sister and told her that i was done. i was ready to leave the earth. she came over as soon as she could and got me. I went back to her place and ended up living with her for eleven months.

If i didn't have my sister or my roommate, Only GOD knows where I would be right now. I mean that in the more literal sense.

There is a small number of people that i can run to if i'm ever in need to talk to some one about anything. funny thing is three of them are my online friends , but they are really friends.... they are more like family to me. I love them all so very much and i would do anything for them. I've known them for almost four years now. its crazy to think that I've had them this whole time and they still love me like a sister.

it's been 80 days since I last cut, I'm not giving anyone the chance to push me down to that dark place again. I'm going to continue to better myself and help anyone who needs a shoulder to cry on or for some one to listen to them vent. I"m here. and I will be here for as long as I can.

Bekca ~ <3

Respect their choice.

So as most of you know by now , I have a boyfriend. 

As of tomorrow night we will have been together for three weeks.

I was talking to my friend and he told me that he liked me and when my boyfriend and I are no longer together to text him and he'd take me on a real date. 

In all honesty, I don't like this guy. He is to forward a. He doesn't know when to stop , and he's clingy towards me.

He knows that I have a boyfriend. But he won't leave me alone. 

If you like a girl but she has a boyfriend , please be respectful and stay away from her. 

 

I don't like telling people that I have a boyfriend because people keep trying to break Us up. And we will not breakup for a very long time or at all. 

I want to marry him. I've never been this happy with anyone and my friends that know me well have told me to keep him because they've never seen me happy like this. 

Please just back away and respect the choice. 

- bekca 

Never again ...

So .... I had another nightmare.

But this one .... This one was different.

It had girls , boys , friends , family , dogs , wolves , and cats... 

It wasn't a nightmare because of how scary the thing around me were...

I was a nightmare because I was the scary thing...

I could feel all my emotions , I even woke up with a sore hand. 

I was fine till cats came up to me. 

I would hit them , kick them , and I'm sure if I had a bat I would have used the cats like baseballs.... 

I hated them so much ... 

I've never felt that much hatred towards anything.

I just kept on going at them. 

This one cat I'm pretty sure I killed cause I just kept hitting its head... 

I never want to feel that way again. 

.... I hope all of you are sleeping better then I am and for those of you who are up , good morning. 

~ Bekca 

Who I am.

All these people telling me to do what makes me happy... 

All these people telling me what do to, where to be ,what time to be there,  how to act , how to dress , how to look at things, how to save money , how to talk , what to listen to , and what not to listen to...

Thanks to all of them I don't know who I am , who I want to be , or how I'm going to get there. 

I started hating myself because I had nothing figured out...

I put in my earbuds and try to block all their voices out... 

For a while it was working .... But ... It stopped ... 

I started going on walks. 

Singing to myself. 

Dancing in my room by myself.

Thinking to myself and keeping my mouth shut. 

I've learned that I like who I am. 

I love watching the stars. 

I love making people happy.

I love skulls.

I love chokers.

I love spikes.

I love being happy.

I found a guy that just takes my breath away every time he says hi.

I love take my long walks to QT and just sitting there for hours.

I love listening to Celtic music. 

I'm still in love with drawing 

And knowing all of this about myself just makes me happy.

I don't need people to tell me who I am. I just need to finish finding my whole self. 

I'm Rebekca and I love myself for once.

Safe place

I've been thinking a lot lately and I know that most of you will say "I didn't know you could think!"(haha) but oh well. Think what you want. 

Everyone has that safe place that they go to when they are lonely , upset , angry , depressed , ect 

I've noticed that I don't have one anymore... 

When I was little it was being with my sister. She was everything to me. If I wasn't with her then I wasn't myself. I moved out of the house about a year ago  so now she and I rarely talk. We both work a lot and just don't have time. 

When i was 13 it was being in my room. 

I could go into my room and lock the door and be happy and safe. My room isn't my old room and I don't feel safe in it...

When I was 16 it was taking a Blade to my skin... It helped me cope and doing it made it hard for people to hurt me.... 

People found out that I did it and now I'm trying to stop. 

 Almost 19 And I feel like I can't do anything to feel safe and secure again....

It's starting to get really sad...

I don't know what to do with myself in my free time if I have any... All i know is that I want to be safe... But I just can't seem to get that feeling back 

Bekca <3

Circles ?

Why do we have circles of friends? Shouldn't we be friends with almost every one ? 

Everywhere I go I can see the the stupid groups. 

The popular circle , the geek circle , the weird ones , and so on. 

I always seem to get pushed out of every circle and it is not fun. 

And I know that there are people like me out there. 

But we don't know who each other are. 

For instance , I'm sitting out side with my roommates and one of their friends. We were all siting and one of my friends moved so that he would be closer the the other two and literally left me on the side. 

They don't really include me in stuff in less it's a bill or something and I have to pay. It's not cool. 

When you talk to one person in a group everyone should be included . Not just three out of the four people .... It hurts. Being pushed away hurts.

Everyone has been pushed away some way or another, so everyone should understand .... But they don't because they don't see what they are doing. 

OPEN YOUR EYES PEOLPE !!!!SEE WHO IS BEING PUSHED AND PULL THEM BACK IN AND MAKE THEM FEEL WANTED !!! It's not that hard !!! 

Maybe...

Maybe ... If I was thinner ... People would like me more.

Maybe... If I was nicer people would see that I'm not a bitch...

Maybe ... If I stopped caring it wouldn't hurt when my "friends" didn't text me back...

Maybe... If I got a second or third job I wouldn't struggle so much...

Maybe... If I read my bible I'll be happy...

Maybe...if I cut all the emotional pain will go away....

Maybe... If I tell some one they wouldn't judge me... But help me....

Maybe... If I wasn't so needy I wouldn't be in this place....

Maybe... If I stop eating o won't feel so fat and guilty ...

Maybe...if I just pretend like everything is okay , then it will be ...

Maybe... If I just kept my mouth shut I'd still be at home....do I even have a home? 

-Becca <3

Todays Young Workers.

In Today's World  Kids Are Not Taught How To Work Properly.
There Are Not Many Kids That Know How To Do What They Are Told.
I have worked with some of the most idiotic  people in the last year.
They were taught what to do and how to do it but never did it the right way or just never did that task.
I was raised in a house where my amazing mom taught me how to work. I work in the food industry and i love it with all my heart( not caring how cheesy that sounds). When the lobby is full,  all the orders are out ,  and everyone is just sitting and eating . To see that almost every day makes me happy. I love feeding people.  After all the guest have left  , there are tables to clean , lids to restock , tea earns that need cleaning  , and the floor will need to be swept. None of my Co-workers clean it unless told. I DO NOT understand that. They were taught when and how, but only like do it on their own time. It frustrates me. 

On That Day.

Hey guys !
so as of Saturday , April 11th , 2015 , i have a boyfriend .
it was the first time we met and we just clicked.
I've never met some one who i have SO much in common with!
we talked about Dr.WHO , people we have dated (and the reason we broke up with them) , music, clothes , and how clean we both can be.
we decided to take it to the next level and date.
we went out for breakfast this morning, we hung out all day. he and i went to his friends house this evening and had a blast !!!
i've never been so happy to be with some one like this !!!!

He is so sweet and kind to me.
this is most likely the best choice i have ever made!

you all have a great night !
       Bekca <3

for a friend

Drawings from a month or two ago

Okay , that's enough

Why the heck would you start a rumor that isn't true !?!?

Im in enough damn pain as it is !!!! 

I'm not some who sleeps with a different guy every night ! 

I have never smoked pot in my entire life !!!

I do not drink alcohol to get drunk at all !!!!!!

I don't even drink !!!!

I don't understand why you want me to hurt so badly !!

Do you just wante to cut more ? Or be more depressed then I already am !?!? 

Cause guess what !!! It worked and I hope that you're happy. 

Thanks to you I've cried a lot today and I'm about to call out of work for the next week or two just because of you!!! 

Just please !!! Stop hurting me !!!! .... 

-bekca