Never Play with me.

I found out that this guy i had fallen for was getting married and had four kids... 

I really liked him. 

For Once In My Life I Didn't Have To Tone Down My Craziness So People Wouldn't Run The Other Way.

He respected me. IF i ever asked something of him he would do it in the blink of an eye. 

I thought "I'm finally done looking".

Then i get a text from a random number saying that he has a fiance... and that he has four kids. 

He keeps telling me that he only has 2 but i don't believe him ...

He tells me that he doesn't have a girl friend but he lives with her and they sleep in the same bed. 

.... I went Numb... I am numb. I want to drink and party. BUT as all of you know , i don't have enough friends to do that.... 

I asked his girl friend if i could ask him why he keeps lying to me. She said "Go right ahead but he going to keep lying till he gets what he wants". 

So I did.

He kept up with his lies and i told him that until he could speak truth , I didn't want to talk to him. he never replied after that...

that whole fiasco went on for about 45 minuets 

He tried so hard to convince me that he never lied.

I refused to believe him and it made him so angry that he almost started crying.

Mind You I'm Texting His Fiance The Whole Time.

Unless you expect to be hurt , Don't play with me. Not like that.

Never play with some one emotions like what he did to me. 

          Bekca <3

My life ...

This is how my life is.... Pretty much all day everyday 

I'm so tired of all of this.... 

  Bekca ...

How..?

How did I get here? 

How did I get to this point in my life ? 

I never would have guessed when I was little  that I would Move out when I was 17 and only move in with one of my parents for a week and a half ....

This past year has been so strange...

 I have felt completely alone more times than I can count. 

I still don't have many friends. 

No one to just go hang out with ... 

No one that really wants to hang out with me ....

I'm stuck again.. 

Crap. 

I hate being sick like this... 

... Yeah ....

      Bekca <3

I'm here. I understand.

Having depression is crazy ....

One minute I'll be fine and happy . The next I'll be trying so hard now to cry or pull my hair out. 

My friends don't understand unless they have it too.

Something so small as a color or just a innocent word can trigger it. 

It's painful. 

Sometimes you feel like you have control of it... Then you hear that one word or see that one very specific color and you loose it all. All the memories flood back , all the feeling that you pushed away all come back at once. 

That one word , that one color , that one song , or even that one toy you had as a child ...and it all comes back. 

I still don't know how to control mine. 

My triggers are songs , words , older men with gray hair , and a few of my childhood toys. 

- If your old enough - do you remember those baby dolls that came in a fruit pouch? They had peach , strawberry, ect. ... I have the strawberry one. Her hair is a strawberry blonde and it still smells like it did when I first got it. I've had it since I was three or four. Every time I smell it's head or just even look at it , I start having flashbacks and everything comes back. It's so painful.... But I keep that doll because of how much of my life it holds... And it was one of the last things that my grandpa gave me before he passed.

I'm so sorry if you understand how much it hurts. 

I'm sorry if you understand how hard it is to want to have control over the depression. 

I'm sorry... 

I understand and I'm sorry. 

I know that if I could take all the pain and make it easier for you to handle then I would... But I can't... 

We all have to learn how to handle it. 

It takes such a long time to have a good grip on it. Although ... it is so hard to keep that tight grip... If you have friend who understands than it is easier. It gets easier. Life might get harder but you'll grow so much if you have the right friends to help you and give you a hand when you need it. 

I'm sorry if you don't have that friend. 

I would love to be that friend for you. 

Just email me or something if you can...

I'm here for you and I understand. 

    Bekca <3 

Almost ...

This past week has been so strange...

I almost died from a really back kidney infection. My entire body was throbbing.

The doctors worked fast once I got in there. I had three X-rays taken and they did some sort of blood scan. All with in 4 hours. 

This is a doctors office not the hospital... 

We all know that if I went to a hospital it would have taken days for the X-rays and blood scan ... 

Thank goodness the insurance Covered most of it. 

 They gave me strong medicine and some pain medicine that I ended up throwing up hours later. 

...

But to keep me from flipping out they didn't tell me that I wasn't supposed to live through this....

Know thing that after I was better scared me ...

My roommate said "oh they just exaggerated it all." 

I don't think that was the case. 

My brother-in-law , who is a RN , sat in there and I knew he didn't look right.... Like he was on edge about something... 

I just thought that it was just because he was tired and stressed from work or something ... My mom later told me how bad it actually was and she almost started crying... 

The doctors were very careful not to say anything that would scare me or my mom. 

Who knew , a kidney infection of all things...

We need to realize that if we don't take care of ourselves the smallest infection could be the death of us ... 

I now drink at least two cups of water to anything else I drink unless it's chocolate milk... Haha , anyway. 

Please do your best to take care of yourself. If not for me then do it for your own well being. I hate seeing people get hurt. 

I love you all! 

   Bekca <3