Life...

I have a Job Interview in about an hour and a half..

I'm scared and excited.

If I get it then my whole schedule will change cause its a Night Shift Job.
I will have every weekend off. i will be making more then $10 an hour.
I just..... I'm scared....

I won't be able to see my boyfriend very much... I love my boyfriend. I've never been this happy with anyone else. No one has ever treated me as a queen like he does.

I feel like I've lost all my friends that I used to have and I'm back to being alone ....
I rarely talk to Monica or raven anymore... which makes me really sad.
Monica is like a sister to me. She and I have a bucket list of things we want to do together.

I loose hair when I'm stressed and I swear I'll be baled by the end of the year. I've lost so much that when I pull the hair out of the drain it looks like a black mouse ... that's bad! That's really bad !! I have to pull it out at least once a week!

I'm tired most of the time. Not physically , just mentally and emotionally. it's sad...
I have to fake it every day just to allow people to think that I'm alright.. it hurts.
day in and day out. then when i finally cant take it anymore , I'm so quiet and mean. I just stop caring about everyone and everything. I get burned and I can't even feel it. I'm afraid that it's going to drive me insane...
Being able to feel is the best part about being human. you can feel the warmth of the sun on your skin, the cold of the moon on your face, the sweetness of the flowers during spring.... It's what makes us human ... I feel like i'm turning in to a cyberman .... "delete"... "delete" (haha). It's crazy .... just the simplest things can make the biggest impact on a persons life...

Survival mode.

I have officially gone into survival mode. 

Is this a bad thing ? 

Is it a good thing ? 

I don't know. 

But I will do anything I have to do to survive. 

I refuse to become what people call a whore just so I can have a place to live or food to eat.

I'm willing to deal with the person who raped me just so I have a place to live. 

Is that bad? Yes. But it's a safe place to live. 

Am I willing to not eat so that I can have a Ride to work. Yes. 

Is that bad ? Yes.  Will I survive? Yes. 

I don't care what I have to do. I will survive. 

No matter what. I will survive. 

Never Play with me.

I found out that this guy i had fallen for was getting married and had four kids... 

I really liked him. 

For Once In My Life I Didn't Have To Tone Down My Craziness So People Wouldn't Run The Other Way.

He respected me. IF i ever asked something of him he would do it in the blink of an eye. 

I thought "I'm finally done looking".

Then i get a text from a random number saying that he has a fiance... and that he has four kids. 

He keeps telling me that he only has 2 but i don't believe him ...

He tells me that he doesn't have a girl friend but he lives with her and they sleep in the same bed. 

.... I went Numb... I am numb. I want to drink and party. BUT as all of you know , i don't have enough friends to do that.... 

I asked his girl friend if i could ask him why he keeps lying to me. She said "Go right ahead but he going to keep lying till he gets what he wants". 

So I did.

He kept up with his lies and i told him that until he could speak truth , I didn't want to talk to him. he never replied after that...

that whole fiasco went on for about 45 minuets 

He tried so hard to convince me that he never lied.

I refused to believe him and it made him so angry that he almost started crying.

Mind You I'm Texting His Fiance The Whole Time.

Unless you expect to be hurt , Don't play with me. Not like that.

Never play with some one emotions like what he did to me. 

          Bekca <3

My life ...

This is how my life is.... Pretty much all day everyday 

I'm so tired of all of this.... 

  Bekca ...

How..?

How did I get here? 

How did I get to this point in my life ? 

I never would have guessed when I was little  that I would Move out when I was 17 and only move in with one of my parents for a week and a half ....

This past year has been so strange...

 I have felt completely alone more times than I can count. 

I still don't have many friends. 

No one to just go hang out with ... 

No one that really wants to hang out with me ....

I'm stuck again.. 

Crap. 

I hate being sick like this... 

... Yeah ....

      Bekca <3

I'm here. I understand.

Having depression is crazy ....

One minute I'll be fine and happy . The next I'll be trying so hard now to cry or pull my hair out. 

My friends don't understand unless they have it too.

Something so small as a color or just a innocent word can trigger it. 

It's painful. 

Sometimes you feel like you have control of it... Then you hear that one word or see that one very specific color and you loose it all. All the memories flood back , all the feeling that you pushed away all come back at once. 

That one word , that one color , that one song , or even that one toy you had as a child ...and it all comes back. 

I still don't know how to control mine. 

My triggers are songs , words , older men with gray hair , and a few of my childhood toys. 

- If your old enough - do you remember those baby dolls that came in a fruit pouch? They had peach , strawberry, ect. ... I have the strawberry one. Her hair is a strawberry blonde and it still smells like it did when I first got it. I've had it since I was three or four. Every time I smell it's head or just even look at it , I start having flashbacks and everything comes back. It's so painful.... But I keep that doll because of how much of my life it holds... And it was one of the last things that my grandpa gave me before he passed.

I'm so sorry if you understand how much it hurts. 

I'm sorry if you understand how hard it is to want to have control over the depression. 

I'm sorry... 

I understand and I'm sorry. 

I know that if I could take all the pain and make it easier for you to handle then I would... But I can't... 

We all have to learn how to handle it. 

It takes such a long time to have a good grip on it. Although ... it is so hard to keep that tight grip... If you have friend who understands than it is easier. It gets easier. Life might get harder but you'll grow so much if you have the right friends to help you and give you a hand when you need it. 

I'm sorry if you don't have that friend. 

I would love to be that friend for you. 

Just email me or something if you can...

I'm here for you and I understand. 

    Bekca <3 

Almost ...

This past week has been so strange...

I almost died from a really back kidney infection. My entire body was throbbing.

The doctors worked fast once I got in there. I had three X-rays taken and they did some sort of blood scan. All with in 4 hours. 

This is a doctors office not the hospital... 

We all know that if I went to a hospital it would have taken days for the X-rays and blood scan ... 

Thank goodness the insurance Covered most of it. 

 They gave me strong medicine and some pain medicine that I ended up throwing up hours later. 

...

But to keep me from flipping out they didn't tell me that I wasn't supposed to live through this....

Know thing that after I was better scared me ...

My roommate said "oh they just exaggerated it all." 

I don't think that was the case. 

My brother-in-law , who is a RN , sat in there and I knew he didn't look right.... Like he was on edge about something... 

I just thought that it was just because he was tired and stressed from work or something ... My mom later told me how bad it actually was and she almost started crying... 

The doctors were very careful not to say anything that would scare me or my mom. 

Who knew , a kidney infection of all things...

We need to realize that if we don't take care of ourselves the smallest infection could be the death of us ... 

I now drink at least two cups of water to anything else I drink unless it's chocolate milk... Haha , anyway. 

Please do your best to take care of yourself. If not for me then do it for your own well being. I hate seeing people get hurt. 

I love you all! 

   Bekca <3 

A random Email i got .... i don't know how i got it ...

Going through some Spam just to make sure that i havent gotten an email back about a job or the things i've been trying sell, I came across an email that was sent to me from me past self ...

Here it is -

Dear Rebecca, 

Sweetie ...

You have to learn to make your self happy before others can make you happy. No one will be able to help you unless you learn to help yourself.

No one will be able to love you unless you love yourself. It's not going to be easy, but I believe in you. Yes you have been through a lot. Your heart has been crushed, your legs have have the scars of a survivor.

You know that you're worth so much. But you want some one else to see it so that you know that you're not lying to yourself. 

You're not crazy. You just want everyone to like you for who you are. 

No one can love you unless you love yourself first. 

Fight for what you want. 

Fight for what you believe. 

God is good. God is amazing. You have to love and trust him. 

You know that. 

If you wanted to die you would have done it that night you had to clean the office by yourself. The night you call your sister and asked her for help. 

Deep down you love yourself. You just have to remember. It hurts, I know. But you're so amazing and so strong. I believe in you. 

It's time to stop smoking. It's time to own up to what you have and what you want. You have time. You have patients, self worth, self love, own it. 

Live how you want. Own up to your mistakes and accept that your not perfect. 

No one else will until you do. 

    I love you ,

             your past self. 

- 

I have no idea how I got this ....

But hey. It helps 

... 

Love you 

      Bekca 

Here are some resent drawing of mine

Hope you all like ^_^ 

  Bekca <3 

80 Days And Counting.

Today Marks The 80th Day Since I Last Cut...

It's been crazy. Some days are better then others but it's getting harder and harder with every day that passes.
Cutting wasn't just away of calming myself down. It wasn't just a release or a just a stress relief.
It was how i dealt with everything. Moving every few months or weeks , adapting to new environment , and the way people started treating me.  

It's strange not cutting anymore. I want to cut so badly. I know where my knife is. I just ....
Every time I look at my thighs or my arm I just hate myself for more. My roommate knows that i used to. He's the first person to tell me not to be ashamed of them.

He said ~ "They are your battle scars. they show how far you've come from everything you've been through. They show how strong you are" ~

I can't thank him enough for saying that. it helped me so much. I look at them differently now. I'm still some what ashamed of them but it's not near as bad as it used to be. I look at them and they now remind me that no matter what happens , I"m going to be okay , things do actually get better.

It's crazy to think that I started almost two years ago...

I was in such a bad place and I felt so alone ...
If i hadn't moved out when i did... i don't know what would have happened.
The Night I moved out was the night that I was ready to die. I'm not even gonna lie about it. I wanted to kill myself. I was so tired of being treated like a child and sick of being caged in like a little bird with no means to fly. I called My Sister and told her that i was done. i was ready to leave the earth. she came over as soon as she could and got me. I went back to her place and ended up living with her for eleven months.

If i didn't have my sister or my roommate, Only GOD knows where I would be right now. I mean that in the more literal sense.

There is a small number of people that i can run to if i'm ever in need to talk to some one about anything. funny thing is three of them are my online friends , but they are really friends.... they are more like family to me. I love them all so very much and i would do anything for them. I've known them for almost four years now. its crazy to think that I've had them this whole time and they still love me like a sister.

it's been 80 days since I last cut, I'm not giving anyone the chance to push me down to that dark place again. I'm going to continue to better myself and help anyone who needs a shoulder to cry on or for some one to listen to them vent. I"m here. and I will be here for as long as I can.

Bekca ~ <3

Respect their choice.

So as most of you know by now , I have a boyfriend. 

As of tomorrow night we will have been together for three weeks.

I was talking to my friend and he told me that he liked me and when my boyfriend and I are no longer together to text him and he'd take me on a real date. 

In all honesty, I don't like this guy. He is to forward a. He doesn't know when to stop , and he's clingy towards me.

He knows that I have a boyfriend. But he won't leave me alone. 

If you like a girl but she has a boyfriend , please be respectful and stay away from her. 

 

I don't like telling people that I have a boyfriend because people keep trying to break Us up. And we will not breakup for a very long time or at all. 

I want to marry him. I've never been this happy with anyone and my friends that know me well have told me to keep him because they've never seen me happy like this. 

Please just back away and respect the choice. 

- bekca 

Never again ...

So .... I had another nightmare.

But this one .... This one was different.

It had girls , boys , friends , family , dogs , wolves , and cats... 

It wasn't a nightmare because of how scary the thing around me were...

I was a nightmare because I was the scary thing...

I could feel all my emotions , I even woke up with a sore hand. 

I was fine till cats came up to me. 

I would hit them , kick them , and I'm sure if I had a bat I would have used the cats like baseballs.... 

I hated them so much ... 

I've never felt that much hatred towards anything.

I just kept on going at them. 

This one cat I'm pretty sure I killed cause I just kept hitting its head... 

I never want to feel that way again. 

.... I hope all of you are sleeping better then I am and for those of you who are up , good morning. 

~ Bekca 

Who I am.

All these people telling me to do what makes me happy... 

All these people telling me what do to, where to be ,what time to be there,  how to act , how to dress , how to look at things, how to save money , how to talk , what to listen to , and what not to listen to...

Thanks to all of them I don't know who I am , who I want to be , or how I'm going to get there. 

I started hating myself because I had nothing figured out...

I put in my earbuds and try to block all their voices out... 

For a while it was working .... But ... It stopped ... 

I started going on walks. 

Singing to myself. 

Dancing in my room by myself.

Thinking to myself and keeping my mouth shut. 

I've learned that I like who I am. 

I love watching the stars. 

I love making people happy.

I love skulls.

I love chokers.

I love spikes.

I love being happy.

I found a guy that just takes my breath away every time he says hi.

I love take my long walks to QT and just sitting there for hours.

I love listening to Celtic music. 

I'm still in love with drawing 

And knowing all of this about myself just makes me happy.

I don't need people to tell me who I am. I just need to finish finding my whole self. 

I'm Rebekca and I love myself for once.

Safe place

I've been thinking a lot lately and I know that most of you will say "I didn't know you could think!"(haha) but oh well. Think what you want. 

Everyone has that safe place that they go to when they are lonely , upset , angry , depressed , ect 

I've noticed that I don't have one anymore... 

When I was little it was being with my sister. She was everything to me. If I wasn't with her then I wasn't myself. I moved out of the house about a year ago  so now she and I rarely talk. We both work a lot and just don't have time. 

When i was 13 it was being in my room. 

I could go into my room and lock the door and be happy and safe. My room isn't my old room and I don't feel safe in it...

When I was 16 it was taking a Blade to my skin... It helped me cope and doing it made it hard for people to hurt me.... 

People found out that I did it and now I'm trying to stop. 

 Almost 19 And I feel like I can't do anything to feel safe and secure again....

It's starting to get really sad...

I don't know what to do with myself in my free time if I have any... All i know is that I want to be safe... But I just can't seem to get that feeling back 

Bekca <3

Circles ?

Why do we have circles of friends? Shouldn't we be friends with almost every one ? 

Everywhere I go I can see the the stupid groups. 

The popular circle , the geek circle , the weird ones , and so on. 

I always seem to get pushed out of every circle and it is not fun. 

And I know that there are people like me out there. 

But we don't know who each other are. 

For instance , I'm sitting out side with my roommates and one of their friends. We were all siting and one of my friends moved so that he would be closer the the other two and literally left me on the side. 

They don't really include me in stuff in less it's a bill or something and I have to pay. It's not cool. 

When you talk to one person in a group everyone should be included . Not just three out of the four people .... It hurts. Being pushed away hurts.

Everyone has been pushed away some way or another, so everyone should understand .... But they don't because they don't see what they are doing. 

OPEN YOUR EYES PEOLPE !!!!SEE WHO IS BEING PUSHED AND PULL THEM BACK IN AND MAKE THEM FEEL WANTED !!! It's not that hard !!! 

Maybe...

Maybe ... If I was thinner ... People would like me more.

Maybe... If I was nicer people would see that I'm not a bitch...

Maybe ... If I stopped caring it wouldn't hurt when my "friends" didn't text me back...

Maybe... If I got a second or third job I wouldn't struggle so much...

Maybe... If I read my bible I'll be happy...

Maybe...if I cut all the emotional pain will go away....

Maybe... If I tell some one they wouldn't judge me... But help me....

Maybe... If I wasn't so needy I wouldn't be in this place....

Maybe... If I stop eating o won't feel so fat and guilty ...

Maybe...if I just pretend like everything is okay , then it will be ...

Maybe... If I just kept my mouth shut I'd still be at home....do I even have a home? 

-Becca <3

Todays Young Workers.

In Today's World  Kids Are Not Taught How To Work Properly.
There Are Not Many Kids That Know How To Do What They Are Told.
I have worked with some of the most idiotic  people in the last year.
They were taught what to do and how to do it but never did it the right way or just never did that task.
I was raised in a house where my amazing mom taught me how to work. I work in the food industry and i love it with all my heart( not caring how cheesy that sounds). When the lobby is full,  all the orders are out ,  and everyone is just sitting and eating . To see that almost every day makes me happy. I love feeding people.  After all the guest have left  , there are tables to clean , lids to restock , tea earns that need cleaning  , and the floor will need to be swept. None of my Co-workers clean it unless told. I DO NOT understand that. They were taught when and how, but only like do it on their own time. It frustrates me. 

On That Day.

Hey guys !
so as of Saturday , April 11th , 2015 , i have a boyfriend .
it was the first time we met and we just clicked.
I've never met some one who i have SO much in common with!
we talked about Dr.WHO , people we have dated (and the reason we broke up with them) , music, clothes , and how clean we both can be.
we decided to take it to the next level and date.
we went out for breakfast this morning, we hung out all day. he and i went to his friends house this evening and had a blast !!!
i've never been so happy to be with some one like this !!!!

He is so sweet and kind to me.
this is most likely the best choice i have ever made!

you all have a great night !
       Bekca <3

for a friend

Drawings from a month or two ago

Okay , that's enough

Why the heck would you start a rumor that isn't true !?!?

Im in enough damn pain as it is !!!! 

I'm not some who sleeps with a different guy every night ! 

I have never smoked pot in my entire life !!!

I do not drink alcohol to get drunk at all !!!!!!

I don't even drink !!!!

I don't understand why you want me to hurt so badly !!

Do you just wante to cut more ? Or be more depressed then I already am !?!? 

Cause guess what !!! It worked and I hope that you're happy. 

Thanks to you I've cried a lot today and I'm about to call out of work for the next week or two just because of you!!! 

Just please !!! Stop hurting me !!!! .... 

-bekca 

To All The Girls and Boys

The past couple months I've been treated like a "sex object" or something like that... I've cried myself to sleep a lot and actually have had to block some people because the wouldn't stop even though I asked them to stop more then once. 

Girls - 

MEN ARE NOT JUST FOR SEX !!!!!

You all need to learn to treat a him like a man. If he cheats on you then dump his ass right then and there and tell him to grow up. If you want just a "friends with benefits' , which you should not want, then just don't even look for a boyfriend. Because it's not worth it. You're only going to hurt him in the end. Men are not just for sex. If they like you then they will try to help you and protect you. You honestly need to wait till you're out of high school or till you are mature enough to have a boyfriend. Guys are really amazing and will treat you like a queen but only if you're mature enough. 

Boys- 

WEMON ARE NOT JUST FOR SEX!!!!

I can not stress enough on this !!! Even if you have a girl friend but mostly what you do is have sex please just stop and ask her if she actually wants sex or if she just wants to cuddle. Yes I know you have needs , but girls will say yes just to make you happy! Treat her like a she's a queen if she's good to you and or for you!! Is she cheats on you then dump her ass !! I kid you not, if you don't dump her as soon as you find out that she cheated on you then it's your fault for staying with her if she does it again!  

--Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.--

- Bekca :( 

Ps- learn how to treat each other the right way! Thanks to all these guys i don't even want to walk out of my room anymore!!!!