A random Email i got .... i don't know how i got it ...

Going through some Spam just to make sure that i havent gotten an email back about a job or the things i've been trying sell, I came across an email that was sent to me from me past self ...

Here it is -

Dear Rebecca, 

Sweetie ...

You have to learn to make your self happy before others can make you happy. No one will be able to help you unless you learn to help yourself.

No one will be able to love you unless you love yourself. It's not going to be easy, but I believe in you. Yes you have been through a lot. Your heart has been crushed, your legs have have the scars of a survivor.

You know that you're worth so much. But you want some one else to see it so that you know that you're not lying to yourself. 

You're not crazy. You just want everyone to like you for who you are. 

No one can love you unless you love yourself first. 

Fight for what you want. 

Fight for what you believe. 

God is good. God is amazing. You have to love and trust him. 

You know that. 

If you wanted to die you would have done it that night you had to clean the office by yourself. The night you call your sister and asked her for help. 

Deep down you love yourself. You just have to remember. It hurts, I know. But you're so amazing and so strong. I believe in you. 

It's time to stop smoking. It's time to own up to what you have and what you want. You have time. You have patients, self worth, self love, own it. 

Live how you want. Own up to your mistakes and accept that your not perfect. 

No one else will until you do. 

    I love you ,

             your past self. 

- 

I have no idea how I got this ....

But hey. It helps 

... 

Love you 

      Bekca 

Here are some resent drawing of mine

Hope you all like ^_^ 

  Bekca <3 

80 Days And Counting.

Today Marks The 80th Day Since I Last Cut...

It's been crazy. Some days are better then others but it's getting harder and harder with every day that passes.
Cutting wasn't just away of calming myself down. It wasn't just a release or a just a stress relief.
It was how i dealt with everything. Moving every few months or weeks , adapting to new environment , and the way people started treating me.  

It's strange not cutting anymore. I want to cut so badly. I know where my knife is. I just ....
Every time I look at my thighs or my arm I just hate myself for more. My roommate knows that i used to. He's the first person to tell me not to be ashamed of them.

He said ~ "They are your battle scars. they show how far you've come from everything you've been through. They show how strong you are" ~

I can't thank him enough for saying that. it helped me so much. I look at them differently now. I'm still some what ashamed of them but it's not near as bad as it used to be. I look at them and they now remind me that no matter what happens , I"m going to be okay , things do actually get better.

It's crazy to think that I started almost two years ago...

I was in such a bad place and I felt so alone ...
If i hadn't moved out when i did... i don't know what would have happened.
The Night I moved out was the night that I was ready to die. I'm not even gonna lie about it. I wanted to kill myself. I was so tired of being treated like a child and sick of being caged in like a little bird with no means to fly. I called My Sister and told her that i was done. i was ready to leave the earth. she came over as soon as she could and got me. I went back to her place and ended up living with her for eleven months.

If i didn't have my sister or my roommate, Only GOD knows where I would be right now. I mean that in the more literal sense.

There is a small number of people that i can run to if i'm ever in need to talk to some one about anything. funny thing is three of them are my online friends , but they are really friends.... they are more like family to me. I love them all so very much and i would do anything for them. I've known them for almost four years now. its crazy to think that I've had them this whole time and they still love me like a sister.

it's been 80 days since I last cut, I'm not giving anyone the chance to push me down to that dark place again. I'm going to continue to better myself and help anyone who needs a shoulder to cry on or for some one to listen to them vent. I"m here. and I will be here for as long as I can.

Bekca ~ <3