I've realized that someone somewhere has made me out to be a liar. What that person doesn't understand is that I'm not the same gullible little child anymore. you want to know my story? The truth from the beginning ? Here you go.
The first thing I remember as a child is getting yelled at, spanked , and put in time out because I couldn't read or wright the right way. I did everything backwards. Anything come to mind yet?
I have a mild case of dyslexia. No one ever thought to have me tested. To this day I still read better backwards than I can the "normal" way.
The next thing I remember is my mom coming home crying because my grandpa had passed away. this was back in 2005. I remember putting on my pink sandals; next is walking in to my grandpas room and see him laying there lifeless. The doctor said that there was still some pieces of a chocolate kiss left in his mouth. The doctor figured that he must have gotten up, went to the kitchen to get a piece of chocolate , then gone back to bed. I remember one of his legs hanging off the bed from where he was trying to lie back down.
Years later I remember feeling so self conscious about my weight that i wanted to talk to my mom about going on a died and working out... in the doorway of the kitchen she told me I was fat and that I would have to learn to deal with it.
2013 I went to camp and made some friends. i had an awesome time!! I remember having a huge crush on this guy named Tim. his red thick hair and his juggling had me in awe. once i got home i went on Facebook and found most of the friends i had made at camp. i started talking to this guy named Stephen. He and i became really good friends. then we decided to "date". I still laugh because it was long distance and we knew that we weren't going to be together in real life. but it was nice to think about. this is the year i started cutting myself. my mom and i never really got along... I felt like i had no control over anything at all.
I somehow convinced myself that if I stopped eating as much it would save money and my mom wouldn't have to work so much. So I stopped eating...it took me over two and a half years for my to eat like a normal person again.
I spent most of my time in the shed in the backyard. painting, drawing , doing cool craft things. One day my mom came out there and asked me to come inside. She said that she missed me... that felt like a lie once i stepped foot in the house.everyone was on their phone , reading a book , or knitting. I was bored... I loved doing things with my hands. That shed had all my art stuff in it so it was like my own little world.
In 2014 i was having a hard time doing anything. i couldn't find a job , I didn't have friends, i was getting more and more depressed as the year went on. On June 9th i believe, i climbed out of my window and had sex with a guy that I hadn't seen in 2 years this went on till i moved in with him 2 years.
One night i had to clean a business office and normally i would take the phone that i used as an MP3player so that i could clean and listen to music... i didn't listen to any music.. my mom had grounded me from it , I don't remember why. when i got into the office i was so angry and so heart broken cause i knew that i would never be able to earn my mom trust that the only thing i could think to do was to end my life, i had a knife and cutting my wrists and bleeding out all over floor seemed like it would feel better than anything in the world. Instead i called my sister and told her what happened and what i was wanting to do, she came over and helped me clean the rest of the office. after that I moved out of my moms and in to my sisters apartment.
a few days after moving out my mom told me that she wanted us to get counseling to see if that would help get our relationship back on the right track. September rolls around and we finally so to see a biblical counselor . I thought it would be nice until i realized that i was the only one getting the counseling... the lady told me that everything was my fault because i wasn't right with God. As if i didn't know that already... i knew everything was my fault. i had stopped seeing her before Christmas that year because she was going out of town and told me to call her after she got back. HA. that didn't happen.
2015 My sister told me that i needed to be out before May. I was perfectly fine with that. April 1st came and i was out of the apartment and in to a house with 2 other guys. one of which i had lost my virginity to , the other , his best friend.I worked at Zaxbys and smoked about 2 pack of cigarettes a day. For some reason this is when people started thinking that i did drugs. I was offered weed many times , but I never did it. In May i started dating this sweet guy...or at least i thought he was sweet. he bought me flowers , took me on nice dates. the longer we dated the more he pushed himself on me... one night he took me back to my place and followed me to my room. i had to work that next morning so i was crawling in the bed.... moments later he raped me.i cried for days because i didn't know what to do... this went on till the end of June.
I moved in to my dads. someone told him i was on drugs and that i was a slut. slut part i can deal with but drugs.... really... i asked him if he wanted me to take a drug test but he said " No, i trust my source". about a week later i moved into a friends house. I started a new job at Arby's and thought i was going great...until HE called me.... trying to get me back. I busted into tears screaming at my phone. My roommates mouth dropped. Once that phone call ended my roommate hugged me and told me that it was going to be okay. My roommate bought a house in gray court and offered me a room so I moved once more.On November 30th i started working at ZF transmissions, I met a nice guy at a Spinx when i was working at Arby's , he and I started dating, It didn't last but a few months. In that short time span I had gotten pregnant. On December 11th I lost the baby. I was 5 weeks pregnant and had no idea what was wrong with me. my roommate said I was acting different. I was more closed off than normal... I hadn't told him about what I had lost.
2016 I moved out of the house in gray court and moved to another house in Laurens on January 22 . The guy i was rooming with was a friend from work. I thought he was a bit strange and kinda funny looking but he was kind and never disrespected me. In February my manager came over and offered to smoke weed with me. My dumb ass did it. I was so paranoid the entire time we were smoking she kept asking me what was wrong. I haven't smoked anything but cigarettes since. I started dating my roommate on April 7th.
I found out that my sister was 4 or 5 months pregnant in April and I was so happy. Little did I know....in May I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant. I was so scared to loose this baby. a few months when by and I worked up the courage to tell my family. I got a text from my brother in law telling me that i wasn't invited and clearly telling me that I wasn't wanted my sisters baby shower. i was beside myself on what to think about what was said.
My baby was born in December. and i gave him to a couple that couldn't seem to have kids. My mom was upset and tried to manipulate me to not sign the papers , my sisters were angry with me. Once i was able to go home from the hospital I cried. I don't think I stopped crying for 3 weeks.
2017 sometime in January I was able to go back to work. I was on 100mg of antidepressant (Dr.'s orders) and I was ready to go. For weeks everyone asked me about the baby. I finally was able to keep myself together enough to tell people what I did. I quit that job in August.
back in July i has my little sister over and we played cards against humanity. One card took the lord name in vain. I had no clue what card were given to her that round but i asked her to read them since that's how the game is played... well... that card upset her enough to run to my sister in tears. a day or two later i get a call from my older sister cussing me out for giving her that card, which i didn't do. once again I was in tears. i ran to my boyfriend and he called my sister back and explained who gave my sister that card. about a month later my sister asks if Her husband , my boyfriend, herself , and i could sit down and talk as if nothing ever happened. whelp. i can tell you right now. nothing happened.
Some time in June my older sister to my fiance that I stole her thunder buy getting pregnant. Sorry but shit happens. It's not like I meant to get pregnant. I was on birth control so you can't say that I was trying.
On July 1st my boyfriend and I got married. My whole family tried telling me what I should do ,how I should have it , what dress to get, who to invite.... But no one offered us any help besides our close friends and his parents. My mom decided not to come because I invited the child I gave birth to and his family to the wedding.... She tried once more to manipulate me to un-invite him and his family...because.... I honestly don't know. You'd have to ask her that your self. Besides , that child comes before anyone else in my life. Any mom should know that.
I have talked to her 3 or 4 times this whole year. I was invited to go to a soup kitchen the day after my moms birthday. I had to work that night. ( i started at FYE in the mall two weeks before this.) after working and going to the child's birthday party that weekend; i saw pictures on Instagram of my mom , siblings , and brother in law all having such a nice time. no soup kitchen... just thanksgiving and a birthday...I was kinda pissed. I mean really.... assholes...
On December 3rd and 4th my husband and i cried our eyes out. we were up till almost 2am... i just wanted to hold my baby for 5 more minuets... I wish I could be good enough for the baby but I'm not.
about a week ago I realized that I needed to be done with all the crap my family had put me through. so I sent them a text stating that I was blocking their numbers and I was done. That's been the end of that and I'm stress free now! I quit FYE a few days ago.
I'm making bears and taking care of my husband and dog. for now I'm good to go
this is how everything happened. If you know the other sides of the story you tell me about the truth and lies.
Becka
